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Some honesty. And possibly TMI.

October 15, 2009

Today sucks.

I woke up early so I could go to the hospital. Don’t worry, nothing happened. They just had to take samples of my blood (2 vials, buh) because of the exams I mentioned last week.

Jen talked about this, so I’m just gonna talk about it too. Since June that I haven’t had my period. Last week I went to the doctor and she said that maybe it was because of the weight loss but that it was better to make some exams just to make sure. Now, I haven’t lost the majority of my weight since June (I’ve lost like… 13 pounds, which in the grand scheme of things, isn’t that much) so I’m not sure if the weight loss is the reason. Maybe it’s because I’ve entered lower weights so I’ve been trying a little harder to lose the remaining weight? I don’t know. I just know that this isn’t normal and I want to take care of it. We’ll see what the exams show.

You’d think that that would be my major worry right now… But of course it’s not.

No, what’s bringing me down is the fact that I’ve been eating like crap. I wouldn’t call it binging because it’s not even that. But it’s enough to make me feel crappy. Today after coming back from the doctor I had breakfast.

Whole wheat bread with strawberry jam + a glass of milk + almond cookie.

Not TOO bad. I didn’t really need the cookie but whatever.

Then I tried to take a picture so I could show you how I felt after the doctor. It was obviously just a joke.

And that’s when things started going downhill. I looked at that picture. And then I looked some more. And I HATED looking at myself. It just bugs me. It bugs me that I look at that picture and the only thing I think is “I’m still chubby”. It bugs me because I know it’s irrational. I mean, I’m not skinny but I’m not overweight either. So what is this?? What is wrong with this brain of mine?

And then I was in a bad mood. And it was time for lunch. You see where I’m going with this.

I had some leftover green bean soup. And 4 of those little toasts I sometimes have. With cottage cheese. Not bad. BUT THEN…

2 squares of chocolate. 2 more almond cookies.

I honestly thought about not even writing about this in here. I wanted to crawl in a hole, stay there. And then show you some pretty pictures and lie about what I ate. But what would be the point? I think that would make me feel worst.

So here I am. I’m having a crappy day. I’m trying to be rational, I’m trying not be stressed or sad. I’m not gonna gain weight because of two or three crappy days. It’s not helping my weight loss but it certainly isn’t making me gain weight because it’s not even THAT significant. People tell me I’m skinny all the time. I don’t see it, sorry. I’m not fat anymore, that much I know. But thin? I don’t even wanna be skinny. I just wanted to be normal (and healthy and finally happy). And I look in the mirror and sometimes I just can’t see it. Like today. Today I don’t see it at all.

Now, I think I’m gonna crawl under my blanket and watch one of the best tv shows ever. I think I need it today.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. October 15, 2009 5:44 pm

    Oh man, I feel for you, having been through this a lot. But girl, you are BEAUTIFUL. I mean stunning. I know it’s hard to do this, but if you can, focus on the features that you do like. You have such a gorgeous face – don’t let the body self-hate get you down!

    • October 15, 2009 10:05 pm

      My body isn’t even that bad. Sometimes it’s just frustrating though, I’ve already worked so hard to get here and it seems that I’m never happy with what I’ve got. There’s always more fat to lose, muscle to build, whatever. Sometimes I just hate that I allowed myself to be this unfit.

  2. October 15, 2009 6:27 pm

    So brave…I HATE needles! I’ve come really close to passing out the last few times I’ve had shots/blood taken.

    I’ve heard that stress makes your stomach bloat. So worrying about your weight and what you’ve eaten is really counter productive. Sometimes I google how much exercise is needed to burn off certain foods. When I see how much time I’ll have to walk on the treadmill to counter cookies, etc., it helps me think twice about whether or not I want to eat it!

    You are prefect just the way you are. πŸ™‚ Stop looking in the mirror (uh oh, might make styling your hair a bit difficult) and enjoy being YOU! You have great friends and family, you’re happy and healthy (no worries about those tests), and you have a bunch of fellow bloggies who are checking in on you every day.

    I’m jealous…I’d love to crawl in my bed and watch TV. Enjoy your fav show!

    • October 15, 2009 10:07 pm

      I’ve never had problems with that, fortunately. I don’t love needles but I’m ok with them πŸ˜›
      That’s a good strategy, I’ll to do that if I get these weird cravings again. Though I kinda doubt it’ll happen anytime soon. I want to hop on the healthy bandwagon again. πŸ™‚

  3. Brandi permalink
    October 15, 2009 6:27 pm

    I think everyone has these feelings sometimes. First, I’m glad you went to the doctor to figure out what’s going on.

    Second, you are beautiful because you are YOU. And no one can say what is normal because there is no normal. We are all different for a reason and those differences are what make us beautiful.

    • October 15, 2009 10:03 pm

      Yep, I had to go because this just isn’t normal and never happened to me before. And my family is a little worried too.

      Thank you, thank you. πŸ™‚

  4. October 15, 2009 9:50 pm

    Girl! The word ‘chubby’ didn’t even ENTER my mind when I saw that picture of you! I think you look great! And your breakfast certainly isn’t unhealthy. If it was..I can’t even imagine what we would call my breakfast this morning.

    • October 15, 2009 10:02 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I know the breakfast wasn’t unhealthy at all, it was the cookies and chocolate that were totally unnecessary. Today is just not my day, what can I say. :/

  5. October 16, 2009 1:32 am

    Chubby? Hardly! You look gorgeous.

    I had the problem before where I missed several periods. It was after I started college and I’m not sure what caused it but I went without it for about six months. I had a few tests and there was nothing wrong. Hope you feel better soon!

    • October 16, 2009 8:43 pm

      Thank you so much. πŸ™‚
      We’ll see what the tests say, I’m sure everything’s fine though.

  6. October 16, 2009 4:47 pm

    You are not chubby — you are beautiful! I understand how easy it is to get down, though…I’ve been eating crappy for like a week now. I know it makes me feel bad, but I do it anyway and I don’t understand why. But you are doing great! Bad days will come and go.

    • October 16, 2009 8:42 pm

      Thank you Taysa. I know that technically I’m not chubby or overweight or whatever… But it’s just that feeling, that I’ve already done so much and I still feel “big”, I’m not fit at all and it’s frustrating sometimes. But I do know that a lot of the problem is in my head. I just have no real notion of what my size is. I’m always thinking I’m bigger than I am. My brain didn’t get the memo apparently.

      Today I’m feeling a little better and I’m trying to get into the same mind set I was in before this whole thing started. I was in such a good place too.

      I hope you’re feeling better today and that today you made the right choices for yourself. πŸ™‚

  7. October 17, 2009 12:54 am

    Major, major hugs, coming atcha.

    I have been exactly where you are (well maybe not EXACTLY, but you know what I mean). I think to myself, I’ll just blog about something kind of random but slightly on topic, and completely avoid the fact that I just shoved a pint of ice cream into my mouth. But avoiding it on my blog doesn’t make it go away. >.<

    I also know how it is, not really knowing what your size is, and having some mental confusion about it. Sometimes I walk down the street and see girls pass me by, and I think, are my legs skinnier than hers? Bigger? Much bigger? Maybe? I have no idea. But when there's a doubt in my mind, I typically come to the conclusion that mine are bigger – when in actuality, that's not the case. Plus, why the hell am I comparing my legs with other random girls? *facepalm*

    Anyway, grats to you for "owning up" on your blog. Your mind WILL eventually catch up with your body.

    And PS – for what it's worth – you really *do* look good.

    • October 17, 2009 7:55 pm

      Thank you so so much for your comment Allison. It means the world, you have no idea.

      Exactly. I KNOW that I’ve lost a lot of weight but sometimes it seems I have no idea what my real size is. Like “So… I look kinda like that, right?” “Diana… not even close. You’re way smaller than that”. And yep, why are we even comparing? It’s a little pointless and stupid. 😐

      I hope my mind catches up with my body. I thought I had it figured out but this past week.. well, I most definitely don’t have it all figured out just yet. I just gotta return to the same mind set I had before last week. Health health health. πŸ™‚

  8. October 17, 2009 6:55 pm

    i know, i wish it was easy to just find a comfortable place rather than comparing ourselves to others. being comfortable in one’s skin + being heathy is the best! i hope that for all of us.

    • October 17, 2009 7:57 pm

      Yep, I hope for that too. It’s a wonderful place to be, just enjoying life and not having these lows.

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