Some honesty. And possibly TMI.
I woke up early so I could go to the hospital. Don’t worry, nothing happened. They just had to take samples of my blood (2 vials, buh) because of the exams I mentioned last week.
Jen talked about this, so I’m just gonna talk about it too. Since June that I haven’t had my period. Last week I went to the doctor and she said that maybe it was because of the weight loss but that it was better to make some exams just to make sure. Now, I haven’t lost the majority of my weight since June (I’ve lost like… 13 pounds, which in the grand scheme of things, isn’t that much) so I’m not sure if the weight loss is the reason. Maybe it’s because I’ve entered lower weights so I’ve been trying a little harder to lose the remaining weight? I don’t know. I just know that this isn’t normal and I want to take care of it. We’ll see what the exams show.
You’d think that that would be my major worry right now… But of course it’s not.
No, what’s bringing me down is the fact that I’ve been eating like crap. I wouldn’t call it binging because it’s not even that. But it’s enough to make me feel crappy. Today after coming back from the doctor I had breakfast.
Whole wheat bread with strawberry jam + a glass of milk + almond cookie.
Not TOO bad. I didn’t really need the cookie but whatever.
Then I tried to take a picture so I could show you how I felt after the doctor. It was obviously just a joke.
And that’s when things started going downhill. I looked at that picture. And then I looked some more. And I HATED looking at myself. It just bugs me. It bugs me that I look at that picture and the only thing I think is “I’m still chubby”. It bugs me because I know it’s irrational. I mean, I’m not skinny but I’m not overweight either. So what is this?? What is wrong with this brain of mine?
And then I was in a bad mood. And it was time for lunch. You see where I’m going with this.
I had some leftover green bean soup. And 4 of those little toasts I sometimes have. With cottage cheese. Not bad. BUT THEN…
2 squares of chocolate. 2 more almond cookies.
I honestly thought about not even writing about this in here. I wanted to crawl in a hole, stay there. And then show you some pretty pictures and lie about what I ate. But what would be the point? I think that would make me feel worst.
So here I am. I’m having a crappy day. I’m trying to be rational, I’m trying not be stressed or sad. I’m not gonna gain weight because of two or three crappy days. It’s not helping my weight loss but it certainly isn’t making me gain weight because it’s not even THAT significant. People tell me I’m skinny all the time. I don’t see it, sorry. I’m not fat anymore, that much I know. But thin? I don’t even wanna be skinny. I just wanted to be normal (and healthy and finally happy). And I look in the mirror and sometimes I just can’t see it. Like today. Today I don’t see it at all.
Now, I think I’m gonna crawl under my blanket and watch one of the best tv shows ever. I think I need it today.