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Conflicting feelings.

November 4, 2009

Hey everybody! Happy Wednesday! This week is going by quickly, which is awesome eheh

So, yesterday I went to the gym, did the usual thing (cardio + weights + cardio + abs + stretch), went to Celeiro (translation: Barn! – > health food store) and bought a couple of new things. I seriously cannot go to that store.. I end up walking around for 15/20 minutes just looking at everything, deciding what I’m gonna buy. Their stores are never big so that’s a lot of time to spend there ahah

I ended up buying some stuff that I’ll show you in a minute.

When I came home I knew I had to eat something because it had been more than 4 hours since I’d eaten. I had half an apple.

After about half an hour it was time for lunch. So really, the apple was the prelude to lunch. 😛

One of the things I bought at the health food store was this loaf of bread.

It’s whole wheat, no salt. Perfect for me. Of course I had to have it for lunch. More like two slices of it. 😛

One triangle of Laughing Cow Light Cheese. First time eating one of these. I’d only tried the regular one when I was young(er) and I wasn’t really a fan. Now, it’s not my fav but I like that they’re little pieces of cheese so there’s not going overboard there.. instant portion control. And they don’t taste bad! So it’s nice to have it around in case I feel like it. Also, a slice of turkey ham.

A bit of leftover spinach soup. It still tastes amazing.

The afternoon was spent in a near comatose state. I was really tired, don’t know why. I just read blogs, commented, watched a couple of TV shows (MAD MEN IS LOVE).

At about 4:30pm it was snack time. I had the other half of that apple and a lemon yogurt. This is so creamy and delicious.

I ate a plum before dinner. I was really craving carbs (you know, REAL CARBS, like bread and stuff ahah) but a plum seemed like a better option.

Dinner was squid and salad.

Om nom nom. I had a bit more squid than that and more salad.

Today’s breakfast was a novelty!

Greek Yogurt with granola and a small sliced banana.

This was a HUGE breakfast for me. It’s been 3 hours since I ate it and I’m not even thinking about a snack. It’s just not happening 😛

Honestly, the greek yogurt was good, pretty good actually. Not amazing though (high expectations, much?). I will probably buy like 1 container per week from now on so I can have it around for a snack (or several, since it’s pretty big). How do you like your greek yogurt, hm?

I think the fact that this granola wasn’t all that didn’t help at all. I’d never tried granola before, btw. It just didn’t taste good to me. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t like granola (I don’t think that’s it) or if it’s because this brand sucks. I’ll keep trying to see if I find a brand that I like. I’m stubborn like that.

Now, I’ve been thinking about something lately.. it’s been on my mind a lot and I wanted to share it with you guys.

A couple of days ago I was on my way to the gym. I catch the train and I’m listening to music, distracted, as I usually am on public transportation.

I then notice a guy is looking at me. Ok, that’s nice, I guess. I always feel a bit uncomfortable when I see that someone’s staring at me but whatever. It’s a bit of an ego booster too so I just try to ignore it. And then, I notice another guy looking at me. Ok. This isn’t very normal…

That’s when I started thinking:

Why are they looking at me now? Why didn’t anybody look at me when I was… 25 pounds heavier for example?

I caught myself thinking that and I came to one conclusion…

I really resent the fact that people treat me differently now that I’m a thin person (more like average, but you know what I mean).

I know it sounds silly but bear with me.

A year ago, those guys would never have looked at me, I know that. And it’s not just that, I mean, I notice it in pretty much everything. People are nicer, in general. And this should be a good thing, and it is, but why now? Am I a different person? I don’t really think so. I’m the same sarcastic, kinda nice kinda not (depends on the time of the day and my general mood, honestly), with a big sense of humor, kinda self conscious and introvert girl. I’m not a social butterfly in the least. Most people think I’m arrogant (am not!) just because I’m not a big talker at first.

So what changed? My appearance.

I know it’s stupid to still hold onto my “former self”. The past is in the past.. But you know, it was a whole life… A whole life of people treating me like shit, of ME treating me like shit because the world treated me like shit. I cannot forget being made fun of, not fitting into clothes, eating because I was miserable.. It just doesn’t go away like that.

And honestly, I don’t think I want to forget! I don’t want to forget some of the things I went through. They keep me motivated, grounded. And mostly, they made me learn that EVERYBODY should be respected. Skinny, average, fat, tall, short, black, white, poor, rich and everything in between.

So, no. I will not forget.

HOWEVER, I do want to let it go. Not forget it or forget what I’ve learned from that experience… but accept that things are different now. Guys will look at me, people will be nice… and they don’t know that I was fat. So, the issue is really in my head and I’m aware of that. These conflicting feelings are really confusing.

I hope this didn’t offend anybody. These are my experiences (it is my blog, so duh 😛 ) and I’m sharing them with you, no matter how silly they seem. I also hope that this wasn’t too incoherent.. Sometimes I have a really hard time expressing myself.

Anyway, on a lighter note… Here’s today’s picture of the day.

Hope you have a great day. 🙂

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. November 4, 2009 12:03 pm

    I hate stores like that…you walk in for one specific thing and they sucker you in to staying all day!

    The loaf of bread is lovely. Great shot!

    Re: Attention after weight loss. I can relate. It’s weird. It’s creepy. It’s frustrating. But it’s sadly the way things are in this superficial world! 😦

  2. Mish permalink
    November 4, 2009 12:34 pm

    That is such an interesting thing to realise. I remember when I would meet up with High School and/or college friends after my 100lbs weight loss I would get stares that were different. I would attract more interest, etc. That is a hard edge to sand down sometimes and I guess that you can’t hold all men accountable for that response. You look great and you should be proud of that. i think the most important thing is to acknowledge that and date/align yourself with people who love your soul.

    congrats, by the way. Also, your snacks are reminding me that I need to cut back a bit. Thank you.

  3. November 4, 2009 2:16 pm

    Some people get jealous when others lose weight, it’s really too bad. Instead of supporting them, they make them feel guilty for doing something good to their body.
    Good for you for coming such a long way, I don’t think I knew that.

    I like plain Greek yogurt with a spoon full of pb, some unsweetened cocoa, and Purevia! It’s a great combination.

  4. November 4, 2009 2:28 pm

    It is strange how people treat you differently simply because your outside appearance changes, isn’t it? You’re right that everyone should be respected and treated well, no matter what they look like.

  5. November 4, 2009 3:25 pm

    I know what you mean. I lost 10 lbs a few years ago – and I noticed the looks, the compliments, all of that stuff. I don’t want to be noticed or liked for my looks, not at all. It’s so secondary to me. While it felt good at first, I ended up just feeling worse about it later. It might be cliche, but I just want people to like me for me.

  6. November 4, 2009 3:37 pm

    i LOVE Greek yogurt with a passion!!! I always eat mine with fresh fruit(berries or pomagrante arils), topped with granola or nuts and a small drizzle of honey, agave or maple syrup! sooooooooooooo good! 🙂

  7. DiningAndDishing permalink
    November 4, 2009 6:29 pm

    I loooove Greek yogurt – esp. with honey and walnuts on top – delish!!

    Fage 2% is my favorite kind. If you can get it there I highly recommend it!

  8. November 4, 2009 10:28 pm

    that spinach soup looks delicious. I want the recipe! 🙂

  9. November 5, 2009 2:09 am

    I know what you mean about being treated differently…but remember, it’s all about confidence. You’re probably more confident now than you were, not because of your size but because you reached a goal and got healthier.

    I know plenty of naturally skinny girls who aren’t “attractive” because they don’t carry themselves well. And curvier women who rock it and have heads turning everywhere they go.

  10. November 5, 2009 3:06 am

    Not incoherent at all. I actually thought it was a really great post.

    You’re not alone in feeling like that. It’s not right, but others have mentioned that they’re treated differently after losing weight. We all know that you’ve always been an awesome person so don’t let stuff get in your head!

  11. November 5, 2009 6:08 am

    I feel the same way some days, but then I remind myself that we’re all guilty of treating others differently for a large variety of reasons, whether it’s how they look or not. The way you feel is normal and healthy, but I’m glad you want to move past it and stop living in the past frustrations you’ve encountered! 🙂

  12. anon permalink
    November 11, 2009 1:25 am

    eres una genio!! te entiendo perfecto; la gente esta loca.
    es como si te respetaran mas cuando eres mas flaca, como si valieras mas para ellos. las mujeres te admiran mas y quieren ser como tu y los hombres te miran mas y te van a empezar a invitar mas a salir

    que raro como ser mas flaco llama la atencion, de la nada sientes que el foco de atencion se va mas hacia ti, todos te observan, te estudian y hasta te copian.

    si, supongo que es bueno, pero siempre y cuando no dejes que esas miradas te cambien y empieces a ser mas self-centered. siempre acuerdate de quien es DIANA y no de como la gente quiere que sea diana

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